She expects me to kill all insects, catch all mice, and seek out the source of any sound in the night. Why me? I hate bugs, am afraid of mice, and would die of fright before any burglar could shoot me.
HUSBAND
Okay. But I’m the medical corps. All cuts, bruises, bangs, and bumps come to me. I hate blood. I just pour on peroxide, and squeeze tissue on all wounds. If he had a heart attack, I’d pour peroxide on him.
WIFE
Does your marriage have roles that are clear and of long standing, essentially unchangeable, so rigid that almost every problem is solved with marital partners filling and living up to their expected and assigned roles (order)? Or does your relationship lean more toward unclear, ever-changing roles, with each problem resulting in conflicts, readjustments, confusion, and role-reassignment (disorder)? Toward 0 is toward high order in your marriage and toward 10 is toward lack of order. There are not high scores or low scores (and 10 is not of more value or better than 0).
The woman at the deserted dinner table finds herself in a relationship of order, predictable role assignment and expectation. She prepares the dinners, calls the family for dinner, serves the dinner, and cleans up. Sexually, her role is to respond to her husband. He sees her as “broken” sexually due to what he perceives as her lack of spontaneity and passion, when in fact he is part of a highly ordered system that places both of them in their respective roles.
The wife accepts her husband’s role as “fourth child,” serving and cleaning up after him as much as her children.
When audiences hear the story of this couple, women get angry with the wife for her passivity and with the husband for his sexist ignorance. Men get angry at the husband for his neglect of his wife and his fitting the cliche role of “couch potato” and “boy child,” and at the wife for her maternal tolerance of her husband’s infantile and selfish behavior and her failure to represent herself. What these audiences are really bothered by is the “stuck system,” the unbending order that traps both partners in an unfulfilling marriage. Too much order (0) or total lack of order (10) always disrupts systems in nature, for there is no adaptability.
The husband in this couple felt he was responding to his wife’s sexual needs, but was in fact responding to his own misperceptions and misreadings of his wife’s needs for closeness and personal attention. “If she wants it, we do it. Where and when she wants it. I never turn her down” was the report of the husband.
The wife felt totally responsible for sex. “If I don’t mention it, we probably won’t do it. I find myself trying so much to guess when he needs it that I can’t tell if I ever need it.” They were trapped by their order, not in charge of it, not planning and adapting together, not aware of and responsive to a natural rhythmic flow that characterizes all of living and the Tao of marriage.
Systems thinking is relatively new in our culture. Give yourself time to understand it and how it applies to marriage and sex. It’s a new way of viewing marriage and sex, but it is the only way you will find super marital sex.
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